Heresies and Blasphemies

It is said by some apostate and heretical scholars that the true name of the walrus is "Odobenus rosmarus". Guard well against this heresy, and against the other doctrines that they promulgate.

Among them:

• The Walrus is a Pinniped, 14 feet in length, weighing between one and two tons.

• A walrus has up to 700 hairs in his or her moustache.

• There are air sacs in a walrus' throat that allow him to sleep upright in the water.

• A walrus can dive to depths of up to three hundred feet, and run as fast on land as an Olympic athlete.

• To remove clams and oysters from the ocean floor, the walrus squirts a jet of water out of his or her mouth and blasts them loose.

Lies! Falsehoods! Untrue! Unclean!

The great God-Walrus is infinite in size, His moustache is limitless, He never sleeps and watches over us always, He can dive to the center of the sun or outrun the swiftest ray of light, and He causes oysters to leap into his mouth merely by demanding that they do so.

Stand ye ever vigilant against errors and apocrypha.