SALVATION!

Eternal Salvation for pennies on the dollar! What's our secret? VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!!!

The Church of the God-Walrus knows what you’re thinking: “Eternal Salvation sounds nice, but it takes years to achieve.” That may have been the case for the last 2,000 years, but the Church of the God-Walrus has changed everything!

Now, you can achieve eternal salvation without wasting a day every week pretending to care about a god who probably doesn’t even know you exist.

That’s right! With the Church of the God-Walrus, you can be saved in the amount of time it takes to enter your credit card number into a Web site. And there is no obligation to do anything else, ever! Try getting that from one of those no-name, Brand X religions!

How much would you pay for this peace of mind? Before you answer, listen to this:

If you act now, we’ll throw in ordination at no additional cost! Yes, that’s right, ordination. Finally, all the benefits of Priesthood can be yours, without any of the work!

  • No years of study and training!

  • No boring, lengthy and untrue doctrines to remember!

  • No painful, grisly and disgusting initiation rites!

As a priest, you’ll be getting in on the ground floor of an agile, fast-growing religion. And think of the benefits:

  • A reserved seat at the Great Lunch, including all the sacramental wine you can drink.

  • One free Papal Indulgence for the sin of your choice per year.

  • A handsome membership card that you can present at the gates of Heaven for fifty percent off admission or one entrée of your choice! (Drinks not included)

Now how much would you pay?

But wait, that’s not all! Not only will we induct you as a fully bonded and licensed* religious professional, but we’ll send you a blank Papal Indulgence that you can fill out when and if you need it! It’s like a Get-Out-of-Hell-Free Card!!!

As an added bonus, we'll also throw in a bona-fide holy relic! Yes, that’s right, the Mighty God-Walrus’ Own Business Card! Stick it in a monstrance, put it on your altar, fight bloody genocidal crusades over it or defile it in loathsome secret rites— or just use it to impress your friends! HE DOESN"T CARE!

You get all this, Priesthood, a membership card, a subscription to our newsletter, a valuable ten percent discount on having sex with Pope Innocent XV, a blank papal indulgence, a holy relic, and yes, Eternal Salvation for No Money Down!

But act now! This amazing offer won’t last forever!

Soon, we’ll wise up and start charging the actual retail price of $7.50!!

Note: The Church of The God-Walrus is putting the finishing touches on our Great and Most Holy membership system. We'll post an announcement when we are able to begin accepting members.

Go Forth to Lunch!